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Help with a Divorce

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the ex can also remarry another another military member, divorce them, and be awarded a portion of their retirement and end up collecting from 2 retirements. awesome huh?

When I was outprocessing for retirement I heard of a story about some bitch who was in the process of divorcing military husband number three and working on hijacking his retirement! WTF? Something is seriously wrong with the system. You can't tell me this chick just had a string of bad luck with military guys; this bitch knew what she was doing and was fvcking these guys for her own gain IMO.

NOTE: I know sometimes things just don't work out for lots of reasons which results in divorce and the ex-spouse is awarded a percentage of the military members retirement, but this bitch was in a leauge all her own.

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My lawyer was a Lt Col in the Army JAG. She knew about these women who latch on to military guys and sap them dry. She also knew all the ins and outs of military divorces--best decision I made, next to divorcing my ex.

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Thread Resurrection:  BLUF I'm starting UPT in a few weeks as a prior rated with several years in.  SO's alcoholism is starting to take its toll, and I'm considering serving papers.  Obviously it can/will be very difficult to have significant life distractions while chasing the dream.  As I see it, I have a few options in no particular order:

1.  Let the marriage, such that it is, ride another year till I'm complete and reap whatever will come of the added stress and distraction (plus pay out more of my retirement if I get there).

2.  Fess up to my commander, end up on admin hold till this is done (it will get real messy, could take a long time)

3.  Use the weeks I have left to work the touchy-feely shit to get the marriage back on track and worry about having to serve papers at some point before the graduation if we don't get there.

What do I do to guarantee UPT success?

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As someone who went through UPT with a marriage on the rocks, my advice to you is this.  If you are convinced that this is a marriage that’s not going to work, it’s not worth the stress you’ll endure trying to keep your marriage afloat. 12-14 hour days plus home study isn’t conducive to building or fixing relationships and is difficult for even the strongest of marriages. 

That being said, if you think there’s something to be saved then by all means make your marriage the priority, fess up about your situation to your CC, get the marital help you need, THEN worry about UPT.  UPT is only the start of your new career. Your marriage is your life. 

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The AF is there to help you and vice versa. And they are suppose to be a some what family. If you get so far through and then tank because of family issues sometimes things like that at UPT are beyond repair and you will likely trash your marriage and chasing your dream of being a pilot. If you take care of the personal life first on admin hold the AF is likely to get a better more focused product that they would rather have instead of you washing out and going to intel or missileers or something.

Tell the cc.

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20 hours ago, Unknown_Rider said:

Thread Resurrection:  BLUF I'm starting UPT in a few weeks as a prior rated with several years in.  SO's alcoholism is starting to take its toll, and I'm considering serving papers.  Obviously it can/will be very difficult to have significant life distractions while chasing the dream.  As I see it, I have a few options in no particular order:

1.  Let the marriage, such that it is, ride another year till I'm complete and reap whatever will come of the added stress and distraction (plus pay out more of my retirement if I get there).

2.  Fess up to my commander, end up on admin hold till this is done (it will get real messy, could take a long time)

3.  Use the weeks I have left to work the touchy-feely shit to get the marriage back on track and worry about having to serve papers at some point before the graduation if we don't get there.

What do I do to guarantee UPT success?

I'm sorry for the situation you're going through.  While I'm off Active Duty now, I have some advice as well.  I'm at the tail end of divorcing an alcoholic and it has been brutal.  Our marriage problems started two months after we tied the knot when she cheated on me, with a former groomsman, while I was away TDY.  I forgave her and we had three sons together, even though the cheating continued.  Even though the divorce is emotionally tough and financially draining, I'm honestly happier than I've ever been. 

My advice:

1.  Always think about the children's best interests (if you have kids), and never make it about you or your ex or your problems.  Never badmouth the other parent to your kids, because they will figure it out in the long run.

2. Push for 50/50 custody (legal and physical) of your kids if you can.  Kids raised with equal time are far less likely to have substance abuse problems in the future.  I'd be happier if my kids were primarily with me, but I'm very fortunate, as a man to have my kids week on week off. 

3. Realize that money and stuff is just money and stuff.  I gave the ex everything on the list she wanted, but I am fighting tooth and nail to prevent alimony.  What I mean here is that you will likely blow through all of your assets and be in debt at the end of the divorce.  Even worse if you have to pay alimony and child support.

4.  This really should be number one.  If you are thinking about divorce, I guarantee that she is already twelve steps ahead of you.  Document everything and have witnesses who will testify to your character as a parent and a spouse.  See if your STBX is willing to move out and go to rehab.  I told my ex that if she didn't go to AA, then I was leaving her.  Her parents could also be one of your biggest allies if you play your cards right.  This is a slam dunk for custody. 

5. Start listening to every podcast (dadsdivorce, etc.) or videos on youtube.  You also need to understand how the law works in the state you're in. 

6. Hire a private investigator if needed.  The thousands of dollars I spent equated to cinematic gold that will be shown in the courtroom (I live in an at fault state). 

I could put about 1000 things on this list, but you can PM me for any more advice.  Best of luck to you. 

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You will be much better off with a solid resolution before UPT. Maybe help, therapy, intervention, and the such can get you there.  You probably know the outcome in your heart regardless of what advice you get.

UPT is hard. My class had a lot of older folks. Those with good marriages did well, even the guys with kids. A few that had rocky personal relationships struggled; one almost failed out, one dropped out.  The spouses do a lot to help with success.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution

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1 hour ago, disgruntledemployee said:

...You probably know the outcome in your heart regardless of what advice you get.

Huge 2 on this.  Best of luck. 

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Not to scare ya but I have seen these types (of what we know) relationships tube students at UPT, IFF, RTU and even WIC.  You are right, get a resolution before you start.

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Agree with everything said above.  My best friend went through this when he started pilot training about a year behind me.  He washed out in phase 3 and was divorced shortly afterward.  Whether you decide to work at the marriage with counseling, or decide to divorce, my advice to you would be to go to your commander NOW, air out your dirty laundry (he/she's going to find out eventually anyway), and try to get your class rolled several months.  That will give you time to work it out (whatever path you choose) before you are dealing with the rigors of UPT.  

 

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