Whats the funniest thing you've heard over the radio?

[Champ Kind]

setup: girl on dollar ride in hammerhead me in RSU

We'll need a pic of the girl to verify the story.

[JarheadBoom]

Most recently:

A game of Battleship, from start to finish. Complete with (man-made... ok, person-made) splashes, klaxons, ka-booms, and the "You sank my Bat-tle-ship!" line from the '70s TV commercials for the board game.

Edited March 31, 2009 by JarheadBoom

[BlackKnight]

On departure from Memphis in a T-6:

Departure: "Rattr XX, I'm going to need you to expedite your climb for traffic, continue current climb rate and accelerate to 250"

Us: "Uh, unable to get 250"

Departure: "How fast can you get at current climb rate?"

Us: "160"

Departure: "**Sigh**"

Dude, I feel your pain. Took off one night to go to the alt chamber. Wintertime, 120 knots in the face starting at about 10 grand. We climb at 200 (give or take). 80 knots g.s. all the way to 240 or so. Ugh. 3.5 to go from Barnes to Shaw. Embarrasing in a "fighter" (really Attack!).

Doing FCF's we gotta go to 350. It's a looooong, painful climb. Above 300, we only get about 200-300 fpm at around 150 indicated. Westbound in the winter I'm craaawling along. ATC finally asks "Tusk90, how fast are you going??!! Uh- about 150 indicated. Can you go any faster??!! Uh, no." We are a big doorstop in the FL's to all the airliners when we have to do that. Pain in the arse.

Barney

[60 driver]

Dude, I feel your pain. Took off one night to go to the alt chamber. Wintertime, 120 knots in the face starting at about 10 grand. We climb at 200 (give or take). 80 knots g.s. all the way to 240 or so. Ugh. 3.5 to go from Barnes to Shaw. Embarrasing in a "fighter" (really Attack!).

Doing FCF's we gotta go to 350. It's a looooong, painful climb. Above 300, we only get about 200-300 fpm at around 150 indicated. Westbound in the winter I'm craaawling along. ATC finally asks "Tusk90, how fast are you going??!! Uh- about 150 indicated. Can you go any faster??!! Uh, no." We are a big doorstop in the FL's to all the airliners when we have to do that. Pain in the arse.

Barney

That kind of airspeed will prepare you nicely for flying any sort of Airbus product after you get out.

I remember that slog to 350 in the hog well. Nothing more embarrassing than requesting an altitude, only to have to come back 10 minutes later and tell center you can't make it. Bonus points if you can get there in the summer without flaming one out.

to contribute:

Funniest one I can remember is during an interval takeoff in the OV-10. #3 guy on tower freq,

"Hey, Bronco 3's gonna have to GOT DAAMMN!! SHI-"

He told us later he smelled something burning, immediately followed by a gigantic short somewhere which sprayed sparks all over his lap, right as he began to transmit. Best imagined in a North Carolina accent.

Edited April 1, 2009 by 60 driver

[Guest flyguy]

We were in a 737 and crusing southbound towards FL...about 1 year ago.

ATC: (pick an airline 1234) traffic 11 o'clock 1 F-16

Airline (not us): Roger...we can see his ego from here

ATC: keys the mic and you can just hear laughing in the back ground.

[Guest Hueypilot812]

Here's my UPT radio call story:

We had a female in our class that we called NASA (for those of you wondering, it's N/A on the SA). It was a pattern solo day, and there were a few of us flying around the KDLF pattern, including myself. I was on outside downwind when I heard an exsasperated NASA on the radio:

NASA: "Honcho, Speedo XX is declaring an emergency!"

RSU: "Speedo XX, state nature of the emergency"

NASA: "Speedo XX, I've got full power and can't even maintain 200 knots"

RSU: "Speedo XX, check configuration"

NASA: "Roger, I've got gear down, flaps down...oh sh!t!"

RSU: "Speedo XX, Honcho, state location"

NASA: "I'm on outside downwind...actually I don't know where I am"

RSU: "OK, I've got you flying away from the pattern towards Del Rio, make a right turn back to initial and make this a full stop"

NASA: "Roger, Speedo XX"

Later in UPT, she had asked one of my classmates (who's now flying B-1s) how to dial an offbase number from the phone in our flight room, and he said "yeah, you just dial 9-1-1". She actually dialed 911, and hung up when the cops answered. When the SPs showed up, they both pointed fingers at each other, and were hauled into the CC's office. The CC asked him why he told her to dial 911, and he said "I didn't think she'd be stupid enough to actually do it!". Needless to say, after getting chewed out by the flight commander and the CC, everyone was chuckling, including our leadership...it was pretty funny and she got lots of 911 jokes from then on.

[pawnman]

Here's my UPT radio call story:

We had a female in our class that we called NASA (for those of you wondering, it's N/A on the SA). It was a pattern solo day, and there were a few of us flying around the KDLF pattern, including myself. I was on outside downwind when I heard an exsasperated NASA on the radio:

NASA: "Honcho, Speedo XX is declaring an emergency!"

RSU: "Speedo XX, state nature of the emergency"

NASA: "Speedo XX, I've got full power and can't even maintain 200 knots"

RSU: "Speedo XX, check configuration"

NASA: "Roger, I've got gear down, flaps down...oh sh!t!"

RSU: "Speedo XX, Honcho, state location"

NASA: "I'm on outside downwind...actually I don't know where I am"

RSU: "OK, I've got you flying away from the pattern towards Del Rio, make a right turn back to initial and make this a full stop"

NASA: "Roger, Speedo XX"

Later in UPT, she had asked one of my classmates (who's now flying B-1s) how to dial an offbase number from the phone in our flight room, and he said "yeah, you just dial 9-1-1". She actually dialed 911, and hung up when the cops answered. When the SPs showed up, they both pointed fingers at each other, and were hauled into the CC's office. The CC asked him why he told her to dial 911, and he said "I didn't think she'd be stupid enough to actually do it!". Needless to say, after getting chewed out by the flight commander and the CC, everyone was chuckling, including our leadership...it was pretty funny and she got lots of 911 jokes from then on.

This chick sounds familiar...did she go on to fly B-1's?

[Guest Hueypilot812]

No, she was a reservist flying KC-10s...

[RASH]

No, she was a reservist flying KC-10s...

Scary thing is, she's probably flying for one of the airlines now...

[60 driver]

NASA (for those of you wondering, it's N/A on the SA).

We had one in our class too. Her nickname was the Cone of Confusion.

That story sounds familiar though. What year?

[Guest Hueypilot812]

We did Tweets from August of 2000 to early 2001 at Laughlin. I don't know if she flies for the airlines, but I had heard she went from west coast KC-10s to east coast...

[Guest Duder]

A couple to share...

About a year ago on our way to Hickam from Barksdale. It was a lazy weekday afternoon and ABQ center got quiet for several minutes when somebody randomly piped up and said "Suicide helpline, please hold."

Another time, we were climbing out of an East Coast base still talking with NY center and they were working a heavy push of arrivals into the NY airports. Among them was an Air France jet and every time the controller had to talk to him, he would say "Air Fraaaaaance." Now I can't say Air France without saying it that way.

[BQZip01]

We were in a 737 and crusing southbound towards FL...about 1 year ago.

ATC: (pick an airline 1234) traffic 11 o'clock 1 F-16

Airline (not us): Roger...we can see his ego from here

ATC: keys the mic and you can just hear laughing in the back ground.

I plan on using this one...

[Guest whyme?]

flying overwatch and had a guy kneeling by the road with his kid. Sent the rover code to the JTAC, we hadnt heard a PEEP all day and I didnt know some stick up the pipe Tornado Pilots were up. From this info you should gather were and who I was working with

JTAC: WTF are they doing?

me: digging and stringing wire

JTAC:Humm cagey ######ers, is that a kid with him?

Me: Yeah, bad day to "bring your kid to work" dontcha think?

JTAC: one less ######er to grow up and kill more guys

Me: I just got word someone was sending a QRF

JTAC: lemme check...comes back yup

me: well they just drove right the ###### past and haji and his apprentice ran

JTAC: well Im not getting on a patrol going that way, but we cant shoot. Our CC wont let us, he is taking the QRF's word

me: they drove right past it

JTAC: That was them that went flying by?

me: yup

JTAC:######

Tornado: JTAC XX, we really don't appreciate the words on the radio just then.

JTAC: Roger that, freq change approved

Me: our apologies.

Found out later that the people the US JTAC was working with absoFvcking lutely LOVED it. The JTAC was pretty concerned till he walked into where his CC was who was laughing too hard. We were both a bit concerned about the "feedback" when that crew landed. Had a few good laughs since. From my experience with Brit fighter pilots they are great at queep, but seem to have to be pushed to employ and I completely grasp the ROE. Most of my black beret wearing buds agree. Give them a 1LT viper driver 6-9 months out of the FTU over a tornado lead any day.

[Danny Noonin]

Give them a 1LT viper driver 6-9 months out of the FTU over a tornado lead any day.

Off topic, but I could not disagree more. The Brits have always had the biggest brass ones out there. Look at what they did in WW storm. Then for years, we used their jets as chum trying to get them shot at so we could blow something up in ONW/OSW and they did it without flinching. I've flown with those dudes for many years on many missions and have tons of respect for them. I'm guessing that they are under enormous political handcuffs now.

On the other hand, I have no respect for a fighting falcon LT. They are too naive to know that they can't actually do all missions well.

[BQZip01]

Funniest thing I heard while on Center.

"Birmingham Approach, Aggie XX, FL 210, request ILS approach to Tuscaloosa RWY 04"

"Aggie XX, I see you are coming from College Station. Are you here to take our coach?"

This was the "recruiting" flight Texas A&M (located in College Station, Texas) used to pick up Coach Franchione for a visit to the campus.

[Cooter]

Off topic, but I could not disagree more. The Brits have always had the biggest brass ones out there. Look at what they did in WW storm. Then for years, we used their jets as chum trying to get them shot at so we could blow something up in ONW/OSW and they did it without flinching. I've flown with those dudes for many years on many missions and have tons of respect for them. I'm guessing that they are under enormous political handcuffs now.

On the other hand, I have no respect for a fighting falcon LT. They are too naive to know that they can't actually do all missions well.

Work with the GR-9 blokes in AFG. Those guys are shiite hot and are ready and willing to employ. OIF is what I a assume you are talking about and the ROE sets the tone. Different theatre different story. The same can be said for Brit JTACs, WWs are the heat and have worked with them a lot. It's all in who is controlling/ROE/etc. that dictates what gets dropped and so on. I know there were a lot of BOne bubbas who were sour over a "certain" US JTAC but the show goes on, some days are beter than others.

Coot

[Guest whyme?]

Work with the GR-9 blokes in AFG. Those guys are shiite hot and are ready and willing to employ. OIF is what I a assume you are talking about and the ROE sets the tone. Different theatre different story. The same can be said for Brit JTACs, WWs are the heat and have worked with them a lot. It's all in who is controlling/ROE/etc. that dictates what gets dropped and so on. I know there were a lot of BOne bubbas who were sour over a "certain" US JTAC but the show goes on, some days are beter than others.

Coot

I get the ROE. done a lot of work in both theaters in the past 6+years. Worked with the brits personally and if you have ever had to compare a squadron leader to a USAF major. you would get it. For the most part Ps and Qs mattered more than the Fight. Now a Flt LT... AGREED

Brit JTACS kick Butt, they will put their rear ends on the line daily. They get their fangs out and the Fights on. I think I may know that JTAC or his tied hands. Look at his situation, see my story, if I have the right guy. Sadly the brits have it way worse than we do and some of that BS is starting to trickle down to the Ops units.

As far as the GR-9 Guys go I guess we got the wrong ones about 5 times. considering the absolute war I was having with the GC on why we had to use what he wanted. I can see why. Hey at least 2 speaks English

Im not here to knock on a Platform, but there are a lot worse platforms than a wetbehind the ears viper driver that will do anything you tell him to get in the fight. IE. Scenario: Convoy under attack and they are speeding away returning Fire, JTAC is top turret with a host of assets working the target. A certain pointy nose BIG jet shows up and starts doing check ins. JTAC kicks him/her from the A/S. Convoy reaches safety but there is eyes on the ambushing insurgents. Jet comes back and upon hearing a 9line dropped starts asking for a radar talk on... JTAC finally boots him/her. Happened in different scenarios with similiar results on many occasions. I love Bombers but for Fsake listen to teh radio before you open your mouth. If someone is directing an attack STFU, The viper driver WILL do that. You may need to dumb it down. But my JTAC "friends" would rather dumb it down than have to fight for comms that are tough eough. I added the him/her to demo at least 3 occasions where a her stepped on everyone to check in because a 9line was mentioned.

Edited April 8, 2009 by whyme?

[BlackKnight]

On the other hand, I have no respect for a fighting falcon LT. They are too naive to know that they can't actually do all missions well.

Daaaammmnn... LGPOS and LT shwack, all in one. Nice...

[Danger41]

I didn't hear this personally but a bro of mine said this happened at some school in Oklahoma where Japan Air would send students to go from 0 time to ATP's in a year.

Some Japanese student was going towards the airport and went into class C without saying anything when ATC says on the radio "State Intentions". There's a few seconds pause on the radio and the Japanese stud comes back and says "To become private pilot" (of course in hilarious Japanese accent).

[BQZip01]

2 things:

I once remember watching the shuttle land and they had a live feed from the HUD (no pressure there pilot...). The altimeter shows 65,000+ and you hear the pilot speak up to some innocuous conversation.

Pilot: "Roger that, 90 seconds to touchdown."

(my jaw hit the floor and I started a stopwatch...he was 1 second early!!!)

Second one happended today while I was flying in the mighty B-52:

Co-pilot: Pilot's before landing checklist complete

EWO: E-Dub before landing checklist complete

(long pause)

Aircraft Commander: Offense [referring to the Navigator and Radar-Navigator]?

Radar-Nav:Yeah, sorry about that. The nav got up for relief and now he's having a hard time getting back in.

So to speak?

[BQZip01]

Here is a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG list of radio blunders:

http://www.avweb.com/avwebflash/shortfinal/list.html

[usaf36031]

Funniest thing I heard while on Center.

"Birmingham Approach, Aggie XX, FL 210, request ILS approach to Tuscaloosa RWY 04"

"Aggie XX, I see you are coming from College Station. Are you here to take our coach?"

This was the "recruiting" flight Texas A&M (located in College Station, Texas) used to pick up Coach Franchione for a visit to the campus.

Yeah, probably shouldn't have let them land in retrospect.

[Toro]

Not a real radio call, but funny nonetheless...

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R"

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L -- Allah is Great."

..Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us! "

[LT4Life]

Here's a pretty good one I still tell today. I was out in the AOR on a pretty busy day. They switched out the tactical C2 guy and you could definitely tell the guy that took over was a bit new. I don't remember the exact time but let's say the current time is 1700Z. Callsigns and AR tracks names are changed for obvious reasons.

Tanker 11: ...looking for words on current receiver frag.

Tac C2: Tanker 11, you have Viper 22 Flight at 1530. Cleared FL250 direct Julia track.

Tanker 11: (brief hesitation, obviously looking at his GPS time) Roger that, 250 direct Julia. Confirm cleared to use our Flux Capacitor.

Tac C2: long pause and assumed sigh. New voice comes over. "Tanker 11 flight, maintain current orbit and altitude and standby for words"

I have never heard so many jokes on tanker common in my life. Now it's monitored by big brother so no more fun like that.