January 30, 200817 yr Talon I dudes talking to the chick working Crowbar; a British controlling agency in south afghanistan... Talon I: "Crowbar, Talon 69, request." Crowbar: "Go ahead with request." Talon I: "Please state your weight in stones and hair color." Crowbar: "I'm everything you can imagine"
January 30, 200817 yr Flying in Kansas a few years ago I heard a guy on the freq ask KC Center if he could get direct to his destination. He kindly let them know how much he was enjoying his long, extended tour of southern Nebraska but needed to eventually turn towards the airport.
January 31, 200817 yr While maybe not the funniest, this happened recently. We had an IFR flight plan filed but we wanted to takeoff VFR, do a pattern, land, let off the IP, then pick up our clearance. While this sounds simple enough and we do it all the time, it still causes mass hysteria. Us: What I just said above. Ground: Uhhhhh, you want to what? Us: (Repeat what I said above.) Ground: Standby....long pause....so you wanna do blah, blah? Us: No, we wanted do (what I said above). This went back and forth a few times Ground: So let me get this straight you want to do (what I said above)? Us: Roger. Ground: Okay, sorry about that. I just wanted to make sure that our balls were the same. Us: (Silence) Edited January 31, 200817 yr by HerkFE
February 1, 200817 yr Heard yesterday at Cope Tiger after a go around due to a dog on the runway. Pilot: "Tower, be advised there is a dog on the runway." Udon Tower: "Approved as requested!" What language barrier?
February 2, 200817 yr A friend of mine (we'll call him Joe) used to work ground at a civilian airport in FL. He had a hand held and a base station in the gas truck that would listen to tower for some early warning. The local news helo had just taken off, and tower gave them departure instructions to stay south of the LOC rwy 9L. apparently someone heard, spoke, or saw something wrong cuz the helo flies his standard departure. Tower: ### I TOLD YOU TO STAY SOUTH OF THE LOC RWY 9L. I GOT TRAFFIC ON THE ILS AND YOU'RE NOT DOING WHAT I CLEARED YOU FOR!!!! helo: Roger Tower, correcting back ###. (short pause) THAT STUPID BITCH, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT...(profanity ensues) Joe: hhhoooootttttt mike. Tower: ### THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR. CALL TOWER WHEN YOU GET BACK HERE!!!! helo: sorry about that, tower, I'll give you a call. (short pause) THAT DUMB FU(KING BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!(more profanity ensues) Joe: hhhooooootttt mike. helo: shit...
February 3, 200817 yr One late night, a DC-3 (I think CAF but might have been some other similar group) was transitioning through LIT airspace going to Texas coming back from an airshow. They were at 8000 so they had been handed off to LIT approach. It was late at night & the airspace wasn't busy so they were chatting with the controller about the aircraft hsitory, etc. DC-3 (older voice) "this particular aircraft has 80,000 hours on the airframe" LIT Approach controller "wow!" A younger voice, apparently also from the DC-3 "yeah, and the guy flying now put half of them on himself" Edited February 3, 200817 yr by jcj
February 7, 200817 yr From a buddy of mine in Fla today: 121.500 "US Air Force" (assume HUNTRESS) with several calls to unknown aircraft operating 30 miles east of Palm Beach squawking 1200 to contact FAA. Unid A/C: "just splash him"
February 8, 200817 yr Today at IFS.... I'm taking off on my initial solo, cleared by tower, barely off the ground and i hear.... "I am one slipping MOTHER######ER!" over tower from another initial solo ATC was still laughing as they cleared the next plane in the pattern to land
February 16, 200817 yr Heard yesterday at Cope Tiger after a go around due to a dog on the runway. Pilot: "Tower, be advised there is a dog on the runway." Udon Tower: "Approved as requested!" What language barrier? Nice. We had a whole pack of dogs on the runway at Utapao last week... which didn't stop Air Thailand from departing in their ATR-42. Almost got ugly. And now to return to the topic... Heard earlier in the same trip - Salt Lake Center was having radio troubles: SLC: "Citation 6969, if you hear this transmission change to my frequency 1xx.xx" Citation 6969: [thick Southern accent] "SLC, gotcha loud 'n clear now" SLC: "Citation 6969, roger, we're experiencing radio problems, switch to SLC freq 1xx.xx" Citation 6969: "Well hell, we thought it was our problem... switching 1xx.xx" Edited February 16, 200817 yr by JarheadBoom
February 20, 200817 yr Last year I was doin the 'Deid. We're taxiing out for takeoff and it's my copilot's turn to do the takeoff. As is our custom in our community we give briefings over the interphone so the whole plane can hear. If anyone's ever flown a -135, then you know that the mic switch on the yoke is two position. Push up and you talk over interphone, push down and you transmit over the selected radio (you can see where this is going). To protect his name, we'll refer to my copilot as "Radio". Radio: Crew, this will be the copilot's takeoff... blah, blah, s1 is blah, rotate speed is blah, etc. (actually it was a pretty good brief) Someone else on ground freq: That's nice Me (after laughing my ass off): Dude, you just gave that whole brief over the radio! Radio (on hot mic): Sh*t! OK, let me do that again... Half way through his next brief I stop him and tell him that he's again transmitting over ground freq! He finally did his third briefing over interphone.
February 20, 200817 yr one of my CFI's used to set all his radio calls to music. He would get a song goin on his phone, hold it up to the mike and then transmit. Practice area freqs and the company ramp freq were plagued with animal noises while he was employed there.
February 22, 200817 yr I can't take credit for this, haven't been to Japan yet, but a Lt Col told me a 4 ship of 16's was flying somewhere into Japan and weren't quite getting the clearances they wanted so they were being a little pushy, so anyway, the controller loses it... Japanese controller (sound it out with an asian accent) "Iiii know who eu ar, eu ah omerikan fita pirate, eu fry whe I tell eu eu fry, eu gawd damn fita pirate!" translation "I know who you are, you are American fighter pilot, you fly where I tell you you fly you god damn fighter pilot!" "Black 21 Roger!"
February 22, 200817 yr For above... While working at the local FBO in high school, we all used to screw around the airport and on the radio when flying. Being a small, uncontrolled airport made this a lot of fun. One guy used to do different accents TXing on the radio coming back to the airport. Whoever was monitoring the unicom radio would think it was a transient aircraft and go outside to direct the plane to parking. In the winter, the lineman would get all the cold weather gear on and go outside only to find out it was not a transient plane. Another guy had a habit of keying the mic and farting. You'd be flying the pattern and all of a sudden a fart noise would come over the radio.
July 26, 200817 yr At LRF: Jody XX: Oh, tower, we're an emergency by the way LRF Tower: Jody XX, state fuel and souls aboard. Jody XX: Uh, yeah... we got 11 and plenty of fuel so we're good to go. LRF Tower: Still need to know how much gas you have...
July 28, 200817 yr Disgruntled CFI's usually key the mic on ATIS Frq. when doing preflight. "Altimeter is .......... Sky conditions ar........" Usually about once through you will hear some start yelling outside "GOD DAMNIT WHO IS DOING THAT??!!"
July 29, 200817 yr Well you guys remember when the gov was recovering that satellite that went TU a few months back (I think the NAVY ended up shooting it down)? At the center we had a NOTAM for falling space debris (I'm not kidding). So, I'm briefing the incoming controller but, I didn't know that I was transmitting the briefing to all the aircraft in my sector. So I run through the usual; wx, flows to the east coast, blah blah blah and we have this notam for falling space debris. The incoming controller says "hey, your broadcasting"! I un-key and hear "ah, center...did you just mention something about falling space debris"? Lately I've been dealing w/ folks not listening/paying attention. Just to have a bit of fun I'll say "United 222 you ready for your clearance to Oakland"? "Ah, center, we're filed to San Diego". "Yeah, I called you three times, I figured that would get your attention, contact center 126.8 and have a good flight".
July 29, 200817 yr I searched, but no luck... Does anyone remember that audio clip of that dude freaking out in IMC saying he was going to die and such? I think it was over a FSS freq. It was posted on here a couple of years ago...man that was funny. If someone can find it I'll buy you a virtual beer.
July 29, 200817 yr I searched, but no luck... Does anyone remember that audio clip of that dude freaking out in IMC saying he was going to die and such? I think it was over a FSS freq. It was posted on here a couple of years ago...man that was funny. If someone can find it I'll buy you a virtual beer. https://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/...lightassist.mp3 At a UPT base not long ago.... Student went to key the mic, forgot what he was going to say and left the mic keyed. After a few seconds, you can hear the IP in back yell "get off the f'ing radio!" Edited July 29, 200817 yr by snoopyeast
July 29, 200817 yr Didn't hear it but Maj Weeks from the T-Clones said a few curse words to a McConnell boom when he gave her a correction while refueling her. "I don't ing need to come up dumbass." Unfortunately Boom interphone was on and she accidently keyed up the interphone so the whole tanker crew heard her. I heard a Strike Eagle over here in the AOR cuss out the AWACS on the radio for calling him the wrong callsign five times in a row then giving him a BRA to the wrong tanker.
July 29, 200817 yr Didn't hear it but Maj Weeks from the T-Clones said a few curse words to a McConnell boom when he gave her a correction while refueling her. "I don't fucking need to come up dumbass." Another T-Clone may or may not have gotten her call sign by saying, "F***ing idiot, F***ing idiot" (over the radio or in a sim is disputed). https://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/...lightassist.mp3 Change it to Arabic and it's the Saudis flying in weather - they are absolutely terrified of IMC. And speaking of Saudis, here's my input from a recent sortie. RTB from the area and the weather is getting bad - down to 4 miles of vis! Me: I'd like an ILS approach for a formation landing Saudi ATC: Field is IMC, VFR pattern is closed, state intention Me: Uhhhhh....I'd like an ILS approach for a formation landing Right about this time, I turn on the TACAN and am getting nothing. I tell my wingman, who is also not receiving anything. Me: Approach, the TACAN is inop ATC: Copy that, proceed inbound and intercept the 12 DME arc, you are cleared for the ILS. I guess they had a tough time translating 11-217. Same ATC, next day. We took off from runway 06, which only has a TACAN approach. Me: Approach, Snake is RTB requesting TACAN to 06 Saudi ATC: Runway 24 is the active runway Me: Okay, copy that, we'll take the ILS to runway 24 ATC: There is no TACAN on runway 06 Me: WTF? Are you on 06 or 24? ATC: (pause) Runway 06 Me: Okay, then back to my original plan, I'd like the TACAN to 06. You haven't dealt with dumb until you've dealt with these guys.
July 29, 200817 yr You haven't dealt with dumb until you've dealt with these guys. I think Kyrgyzstan controllers take the cake. One of them got so pissed off at one of our crews he stopped talking to them, then as they're back taxiing on the runway to get off on a taxiway he cleared a Kyrgyz aircraft to land...in Russian.
July 29, 200817 yr Change it to Arabic and it's the Saudis flying in weather - they are absolutely terrified of IMC. And speaking of Saudis, here's my input from a recent sortie. RTB from the area and the weather is getting bad - down to 4 miles of vis! Me: I'd like an ILS approach for a formation landing Saudi ATC: Field is IMC, VFR pattern is closed, state intention Me: Uhhhhh....I'd like an ILS approach for a formation landing Right about this time, I turn on the TACAN and am getting nothing. I tell my wingman, who is also not receiving anything. Me: Approach, the TACAN is inop ATC: Copy that, proceed inbound and intercept the 12 DME arc, you are cleared for the ILS. I guess they had a tough time translating 11-217. Same ATC, next day. We took off from runway 06, which only has a TACAN. Me: Approach, Snake is RTB requesting TACAN to 06 Saudi ATC: Runway 24 is the active runway Me: Okay, copy that, we'll take the ILS to runway 24 ATC: There is no TACAN on runway 06 Me: WTF? Are you on 06 or 24? ATC: (pause) Runway 06 Me: Okay, then back to my original plan, I'd like the TACAN to 06. Wow. I'm impressed you haven't walked over to their "RAPCON" and started beating people w/ their own limbs. I sure can't wait for foreign controllers.
July 29, 200817 yr Didn't hear it but Maj Weeks from the T-Clones said a few curse words to a McConnell boom when he gave her a correction while refueling her. "I don't fucking need to come up dumbass." Unfortunately Boom interphone was on and she accidently keyed up the interphone so the whole tanker crew heard her. I hope the boom's next words were, "Uh oh...looks like we just had a delayed disconnect that time!" as he punched her off.
July 29, 200817 yr Here you go! I must have missed that one the first time around; f-ing hilarious. I hope that guy was sent to some remedial training once the aircraft owner heard that audio. "I saw the tower off my left wing, and knew it would point down!" UFB. Edited July 29, 200817 yr by Bergman
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