Hey all, some coworkers and I are putting on a skit (of sorts) tomorrow night and I will be playing the stereotypical pilot role...entirely too self centered and arrogant.

What I need is some good one-liners...something along the lines of "What's the difference between God and an Air Force pilot? God can't fly jets!" bwah hahaha. Anyway, you get the point. So...fire away! I know there's gotta be some good stuff out there.

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and his plane?

A: The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.

Q: How do you know if there's a pilot at your party?

A: He'll let you know.

Heres modified from "Ditka and Da Bears."

Q: Who would win in a fight? An AF pilot, or God.

A: Trick question, an AF pilot is God.

Two Navigators are hanging out at the O'club one Friday, when they happen to encounter a novelty vending machine. There, on the bottom row, resplendant among all the other trinkets, is pair of pilot's wings.

"Wow!"

says one of the NAVs;

"Only one dollar!"

After fitfully searching the pockets of his flightsuit, he manages to come up with two quarters.

"Dangit! what've you got?" he asks his friend.

After a bit of scrounging, the second NAV also comes up with fifty cents.

"Let's get em'."

His buddy scratches his head and says:

"But who gets to wear them?"

After several minutes of deep thought, it's agreed upon that they will share the pilot wings.

They pool their resources, make the purchase, and the first Nav pins the wings on his flightsuit.

"Wow...This is soo cool!" He boasts.

"Come on, come on, when do I get to wear them?" asks the other.

"Shut the phuck up, NAV!"

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, he stands there while the world revolves around him.

Another term for a copilot, "Voice Activated Gear extender Parrot." "Gear Up" "Gear Up" "Gear Down" "Gear Down"

Not really a joke, but I always liked "zipper-suited sun god"

This isn't really a joke either but I was in on a conversation with two of our maintenance guys who were talking about an APU that was broken because the pilot didn't follow proper procedures.

Guy1: What should we do first?

Guy2: First we need to replace the stick actuator.

Guy1: You mean the pilot?

Guy2: Exactly....

I made sure to file that one away!

Either that, or replace the nut that holds the yoke!

Here's one for the those Nav's who keep taking too much crapola: Frontseater vs Backseater kind of joke!

Pilot gets into the front seat and whips his pistol out - placing it on the visor...

Curious Nav: Hey man, what's the gun for?

Pilot: If you get us lost I'm going to put a bullet in you, understand!!!

Nav slowly pulls his pistol out and puts it on his visor.

Curious Pilot: What's your gun for?

Nav: You can bet I'll know we're lost before you do!!!

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a fighter pilot?

A: A pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot after six beers.

Q: Whats the difference between a Hornet and a Naval Aviator?

A: A Hornet quits whining after the engines are shut down.

A Viper and a Buff were going across the pond to drop some bombs on the bad guys when after 6 hours the Viper pilot got a little bored and decided to do a couple of big barrel rolls around the buff.

After the airshow he caled the buff and said "OK now lets see what you have got!" After a few minutes of straight and level the Viper pilot called back and asked "Well are you going to do anything or what?"

The buff pilot came back over the radios "Yeah I just shut down 2 engines, got a cup of coffee and took a dump. Anything else?"

-j

Q: What does a pilot and sh*t have in common?

A: not to much, other than the fact that a pilot is full of it.

Q: Who likes fighter pilots?

A: Little boys and other fighter pilots.

Q: How can a chick tell when a date with a fighter pilot is half over?

A: He will say "now that I told you a little about myself, let me tell you about the plane I fly."

What's the difference between a pilot and a WSO?

A pilot is good with his hands--

a WSO is good with his fingers...

What is the difference between a pilot, a three story building, and a monk?

The pilot thinks the monk lives in the building!

Did I actually write that? Sleep deprivation is a powerful drug.

yeah... or something sure is!

LOL, my brother and I thought it was funny at the time. I think I only had three hours of sleep over the past two or three days!

I read it 5 times before moving on to your next post and getting the explaination.

Cocaine is one helluva drug Charlie Murphy.

Yea, those are about the only skits of his that I think are funny.

heres a good one

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he's lost. As he's reducing height, he spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be a Non-Commissioned Officer" says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to me."

The man below says "You must be an Officer." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

As seen on a plane's "snag" sheet (a "snag" is a problem with the the aircraft that is reported to the aviation mechanic)

Student Pilot's report: "Dead bugs on windshield"

Av Mechanic's response: "Live bugs on order"

Student Pilot's report: "Left engine is 'missing' ".

Av Mechanic's response:"Left engine located after brief search".

Student Pilot's report: "Radio volume unbelievably loud."

Av Mechanic's response: "Set radio volume to more believable level."

Student Pilot's report: "Something loose in the cockpit."

Av Mechanic's response: "Something tightened in the cockpit."

Student Pilot's report: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Av Mechanic's response: "Left inside main tire almost replaced."

Student Pilot's report: "Friction lock causes throttle level to stick."

Av Mechanic's response: "That's what a friction lock is there for."