Leadership at the 'Deid

[Cornholio5]

While that's good in theory, you forget that guys who would do something about this stupidity will have long since pulled the handle and gotten the hell out of the Air Force before they were high enough in rank to make a real difference at anything other than maybe the SQ level. Like it or not, today's Christmas party planners are tomorrow's AF leaders. They are the types who have dranketh of the blue kool aid and found its current taste appealing. This isn't all non-ops leadership pushing this either. Keep in mind that the VAST majority of AF senior leadership are comprised of rated guys. I know of a few Capts who are already of the mindset that they will do whatever it takes to get ahead, and that includes kool aid drinking, queep pushing and back stabbing. Maybe I should be nice to them because I know they are going places some day, but I don't GAF enough, I'm too busy actually flying and not planning the next SQ golf tournament.

Perfectly said Napoleon! I was told by our Christmas Party planner (who happens to be the SQ exec too) that it is ok for me to fly as much as I am because he will just take on all the other extra duties too to take the heat off of all of us flyers. Man that pissed me off and made me really happy at the same time because I don't give in to all the queep. My wife has told me multiple times to quit complaining about the AF and if I really want to change it to just become one of the leadership. Well this guy does not want to live the next 20 years being absolutely miserable trying to get to the top to change the system. I think the only real way of changing this system is the mass exodus of officers here soon if the airline boom is supposedly going to happen.

Read below! I have no idea who wrote this but I sure as hell want to thank them and shake their hand. This made me laugh my ass off--so typical of the crap that happens at the Deid. Enjoy!!!

It's time for the latest and greatest tale from the land of the

permanent sun. Gird your loins, stock up on Valtrex and Gatorade & get

your piddle packs ready, because this one is a doozy!

First off, allow me to preface all of this with an observation that may

be obvious to some. Apparently, as one rises in the enlisted ranks, life

becomes less and less about the kicking of ass, taking of names, and

chewing of bubble gum. In fact, the closer one gets to the exalted rank

of Chief, the more ones day revolves around completely losing your shit

over relatively minor (and sometimes nonexistent) uniform infractions.

Believe me when I say that Chiefs "losing their shit" is an

understatement. We're talking completely bug######, batshit,

"I'm-going-to-punch-you-in-the-face-till-you-stop-breathing-and-then-wea

r-your-face-like-a-mask-while-i-do-my-little-kooky-dance-if-you-don't-zi

p-your-pocket-shut" crazy. The troops here are more afraid of being

'Chiefed' than they are of the insurgents lobbing a rocket into the

crapper while they're in the middle of dropping off some timber. I

forwarded the email to some of y'all documenting the latest in the

36-2903 jihad; the wearing of 550 cord bracelets. Apparently, these are

considered uber verboten due to them not being 'conservative'

(conservative defined as gold or silver). Fun side note, an army field

manual actually describes 550 cord bracelets thusly: "A paracord

bracelet provides an easy way to carry a large amount of cord for an

emergency, whether in combat, as an outdoor survival tool, or merely

when a piece of equipment needs securing."

To date, people all around the Iraq have been at the receiving end of

holy righteous fury for such treasonous infractions as:

-PT shirt not tucked in

-PT shirt too sweaty

-Socks too short

-Socks too long

-Socks wrong color

-Mustache too wide

-Mustache too long

-Mustache too scraggly

-Mustache too mustache-y outside of the month of March -Riding a bike on

the sidewalk (the only alternative being to drag it through 8-inch deep

gravel & try not to eat shit) -Wearing a two-piece bathing suit at the

pool -Wearing a feminine bathing suit at the pool -Listening to music at

the pool -Listening to music outside

And the holy grail of all infractions:

-Not wearing your reflective belt

I could rant for a few more days about this, but it's really just

background info. The newest big thing to come down from the senior NCO

staff meetings, which I can only imagine look like a council of sith

lords, plotting the destruction of innocent worlds, is the

implementation of mandatory 5-minute 'combat showers'. It is into this

WORLD that I now take you...

So there I was, no shit, enjoying my warm-ish Iraqi shower. I had just

finished shampooing my mustache and was contemplating the wisdom of my

recent Crocs purchase. You see Crocs, though phenomenally ridiculous & a

mere molecule away from the Jellies of the 1980s, actually make

excellent combat shower shoes. They are rather soft, so you don't crack

your heels on the rocks. They are waterproof & drain well, which is good

for obvious reasons. Finally, the sole is quite thick, which is

essential when considering the living petri dish of athlete's foot &

so-called "desert jellyfish" that live on the floors of the showers. As

I stood there, attempting to avoid the ever-present vinyl embrace of the

shower curtain, I couldn't help but notice that it was moving toward me

even more than usual. I nary had time to ponder the strangeness of this

when to my surprise, a pale befreckled hand appeared and began its epic

quest toward my ROZ (Restricted Operating Zone for you non-military

types... Ladies... )

Now you have to understand that these shower stalls are quite confining,

and remind me in many ways, of the tiny cell I lived in, with only a bag

over my head for clothing and a Folgers can for company, in between

beatings and forced labor at SERE school. So naturally, when I saw this

little paw coming through my lower rathole door, I freaked right the

###### out.

Combine this with a tale I had recently heard about one of the hadjis on

base that the girls had all nicknamed "Grab & Go". This nickname is

clever for several reasons. First, in AF terms, a touch & go is when you

do a practice landing and take right back off immediately afterwards.

Grab & Go is the name of the 24-hour dining facility on base where you

can run in, grab food quickly, then bounce. The ladies had named this

enterprising young TCN "Grab & Go" because of his endearing habit of

blitzing into the women's showers, throwing back curtains, and rapidly

groping as much lady flesh as he could before bolting out the door. Now,

I had heard this fine specimen of chivalry had been arrested, but having

just sat through my briefing on the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, I

had quickly considered the possibility that a copycat Grab & Go of the

"not-funny-haha, funny-queer" persuasion was on the loose & on the hunt

for junks to manhandle.

Naturally assuming that I was about to be the star of my own little

Crying Game, I did the only thing I could think of. I lashed out with a

wicked judy chop toward an area I assumed the offending Limnadians face

would be. I was pleasantly surprised when my

curtain-covered-fist-of-justice made contact with something solid. The

soul on the receiving end of that pimp-slap was not quite so pleased. In

fact, the sound he made can only be described as a mixture of

heart-stopping shock, noticeable surprise, and significant pain, all

muffled by the aforementioned curtain-covered-fist-of-justice (or CCFOJ,

pronounced "cock fudge") that was by now somewhere between his lips and

his tonsils. I wish I could accurately convey that sound to all of you,

but the best I can do is to say that it sort of sounded like:

"GALOOOMPFFFF!!!"

The next few seconds witnessed me quickly shut off the water, tear open

the shower curtain that so recently had been the Robin to my

pervert-stomping Batman, reach for my towel and wrap it quickly around

my waist like a Spartan toga and give this finless brown trout my very

best impersonation of Remo's

"I-just-read-the-short-tour-credit-letter-and-I'm-going-to-punch-babies"

face. So it is with the image of me towering over this little fat dude

in AF PTs, looking and feeling like a slightly less ripped King Leonidas

in 300 (THIS IS... MY SHOWER!!), that I "politely" asked him what the

###### he was doing.

His response was to inform me that I was in violation of the 5-minute

combat shower rule, which he had taken upon himself to enforce by

attempting to turn off the water in my shower (an act I took to be a

grievous airspace violation) and he was going to report me for assault.

My response to all of this would have brought tears to your eyes, peace

to the world, and an end to world hunger. I unfortunately cannot

remember exactly what I said to this wannabe Chief, so this is just a

tribute (with approximately 69 fewer instances of the word "######"):

"Good sir, I shant think you shall reporteth me for assault, for I was

merely defending myself, and as an American fighting man, thou can only

expecteth me to support and defend mine giblets from all enemies,

foreign & domestic. Furthermore, one could argue, friend, that you were

attempting to sexually assaulteth me, and mine fragile psyche may never

recover from such a violation. Also, thou seem to have championed a

cause that is trivial at best, and unwinnable at worst. To put "saved

69,000 gallons of Iraqi water by infringing on sovereign penile

territory" on thine performance report would not only bring shame upon

thee and thine household for generations to come, but would likely

giveth unwashed hippies worldwide yet another reason to defile the noble

intentions of the conflict we find ourselves in. A conflict, that need I

remindeth you, thou hast chosen to fight by groping genitalia instead of

doing something that even remotely contributes to the war effort.

Lasty, and I assure thee that I cannot emphasize this point enough; I AM

A MOTHER######ING PILOT AND I WILL SHOWER FOR AS LONG AS I DAMN WELL

PLEASE! Thou however, are quite clearly a cowardly shoe clerk with a

split lip, a pregnant belly and nothing better to do than harass the

executors of the mission that thou doth 'support'. So if you would do me

the kindness of getting the prompt ###### out of mine face before I

wedgeth my oh-so-comfortable and practical Crocs down your throat & up

thy bung till they doth meet in the middle!"

So it was at the end of this exchange that Sergeant Sausage of the

Shower Patrol scurried away to find another cause to champion. I trust

it will likely be one where he sits in his cubicle for 6-7 hours a day,

4 days a week, with every Thursday off for "training", spending most of

his time complaining about aircrew whilst insisting to all who will hear

that he too is a WARRIOR and without his 'ceaseless' efforts, this

mission would fail.

I meanwhile, got back in the shower and stood there under the running

water for a solid 20 minutes. I even shampooed my mustache again. Just

because I could.

________________________________________________________________

I really can't make this crap up...no pun intended. Be advised:

paperwork after shitting means more than just toilet paper.

______________________________________________________________________

ALCON,

Starting tonight at midnight the stalls in the male latrines will be

marked by Squadron or section. All personnel are only to use the stall

that is designated for their squadron/section.

If you are military and are found in violation of this policy, you will

receive an LOC for the first offense and any subsequent offenses you

will use the port-a-johns outside the compound for the remainder or your

time here.

If a contractor is found in violation of this policy, you will be barred

from using the bathrooms upon the first violation.

A 24-hour grace period will be given so effective at midnight tomorrow

anyone violating this policy is subject to the above mentioned

consequences.

If you find someone in your designated stall that is not in your

squadron/section report it immediately to your Squadron CC, Section Lead

or me and they will be dealt with accordingly.

v/r

Shirt

[BQZip01]

Perfectly said Napoleon! I was told by our Christmas Party planner (who happens to be the SQ exec too) that it is ok for me to fly as much as I am because he will just take on all the other extra duties too to take the heat off of all of us flyers.

If he's humble and honestly trying to help out the bros, then my hat's off to him. If he's just trying to pad his promotion packet, well, so be it.

...is the implementation of mandatory 5-minute 'combat showers'.

Lucky guy...we only got 3 minute showers

ALCON,

Starting tonight at midnight the stalls in the male latrines will be marked by Squadron or section. All personnel are only to use the stall that is designated for their squadron/section.

If you are military and are found in violation of this policy, you will receive an LOC for the first offense and any subsequent offenses you will use the port-a-johns outside the compound for the remainder or your time here.

If a contractor is found in violation of this policy, you will be barred from using the bathrooms upon the first violation.

A 24-hour grace period will be given so effective at midnight tomorrow anyone violating this policy is subject to the above mentioned consequences.

If you find someone in your designated stall that is not in your squadron/section report it immediately to your Squadron CC, Section Lead or me and they will be dealt with accordingly.

v/r

Shirt

YGBFSM!

[StoleIt]

WTF?

Why is that an issue? Fucking shower stalls? How in GODS name does that effect ANYTHING?!

[pawnman]

Are there actually enough stalls for every squadron to have one? I guess you have to figure out which cadillac your stall is in and stick with that, huh? Or, just lie about your organization. Good luck enforcing this one, Chief!

[M2]

If a contractor is found in violation of this policy, you will be barred from using the bathrooms upon the first violation.

I will shit wherever/whenever I want!

Jesus, what in the fuck is going on with the Air Force these days? Barring someone from using the bathroom? I don't know whether to laugh or be thoroughly disgusted that some nubnut SNCO actually thinks this is a solution to a problem.

Thank God I was in during the days when a Chief's primary duty was to try to drink everyone under the table! Of course, back then they also smoked, cussed, had flattops and liked to chase tail (of the female variety).

I guess it's all gone completely PC now...

You guys have my sympathy.

Cheers! M2

[Ram]

Someone take one for the team (sts) and shit/piss themselves because they were "too far from" or "waiting in line for" THEIR latrine. Just one steamer on the sidewalk and this stupid reg will go away.

[Homestar]

Maybe they should consider reducing the person to toilet ratio to somewhere below 1:100 in CC. Seriously, that place is nasty.

[spaceman]

I forwarded the email to some of y'all documenting the latest in the

36-2903 jihad; the wearing of 550 cord bracelets. Apparently, these are

considered uber verboten due to them not being 'conservative'

(conservative defined as gold or silver). Fun side note, an army field

manual actually describes 550 cord bracelets thusly: "A paracord

bracelet provides an easy way to carry a large amount of cord for an

emergency, whether in combat, as an outdoor survival tool, or merely

when a piece of equipment needs securing."

People in the AF really have a problem with those things? I can vouch that they're very fashionable in the Army lately; I see them all over the place. And they actually can come in handy if you happen to have something that needs tying up!

[Vertigo]

I'd love to see the LOC for this.

On 24 February, 2012 you were seen exiting a toilet stall not authorized for use by members of our squadron. You were briefed in person by myself, and had received email correspondence from CMSgt Bagodouche regarding the assignment of toilet stalls and which stalls you are allowed to defecate in. Your failure to adhere to this standard leaves you in violation of Article 92, Failure to follow an order or regulation by a non commissioned officer.

You are hereby counseled. I will not tolerate failure to follow simple procedures in my organization. Your disrespect and failure to recognize which stalls can be used has been detrimental to unit morale and the discipline of this organization. You must never again repeat such conduct. If you do, it will be answered with more serious consequences. You will acknowledge receipt of this letter by signing in the designated block. You are advised you have 3 duty days in which to submit any information in rebuttal to these charges.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Vertigo

[LockheedFix]

Nice Vertigo! I laughed my ass off at that one.

Here is another one off subject. One of the guys in my buddies unit actually got an LOC by his SQ/CC for mismanagement of their snack bar because it was not always stocked plum full and all of the labels on the candy bars or cans were not facing directly forward. An LOC seems kinda extreme for something like this! Ahh. Good ol big blue.

Extreme?! He's lucky he didn't get an Article 15. How can the folks on the ground down range expect him to shit in his assigned stall if he can't even be trusted to make sure all the candy bar labels in the snack room are facing forward?

[flyguy2181]

I hate sticking up for Al-Deid but I don't think the latrine email or the combat shower email is about this place. The combat shower email talks about Iraq and the latrine email uses terms that only Army guys would use "section leader". Furthermore, I am out here and I haven't seen any email like that and I use whatever bathroom I need to use. Maybe I'm just late getting the word but some people tend to take everything they read on the internet as fact and I didn't want those type of people to get all spun up.

To add to the latest 'Deid news....

- Still no tobacco.... they tried to get an off-base vendor to set up a tobacco shop on base: Think hookah pipes, flavored tobacco, cigars, cigarettes, etc but that plan fell through.

- Rumors of an impending pork shortage. The host nation has a tight control over the importation or pork products and they want us to use their state-owned vendor. We'll see if it gets work out before they cut off our pork.

- No more one ear-bud policy. As of 1 Mar, you cannot wear earphones while running on the road (ear buds are allowed on the sidewalk). In addition, they are building a running trail on the CC side. Currently, its a little better than a dirt trail but they are trying to get some money to pave it, etc. The idea is to get people off of the roads and onto the trail or into the gym.

- Policy hasn't changed yet on the married folks crossing the threshold.

Edit:spelling

Edited February 28, 2012 by flyboy2181

[BQZip01]

I'd love to see the LOC for this.

On 24 February, 2012 you were seen exiting a toilet stall not authorized for use by members of our squadron. You were briefed in person by myself, and had received email correspondence from CMSgt Bagodouche regarding the assignment of toilet stalls and which stalls you are allowed to defecate in. Your failure to adhere to this standard leaves you in violation of Article 92, Failure to follow an order or regulation by a non commissioned officer.

You are hereby counseled. I will not tolerate failure to follow simple procedures in my organization. Your disrespect and failure to recognize which stalls can be used has been detrimental to unit morale and the discipline of this organization. You must never again repeat such conduct. If you do, it will be answered with more serious consequences. You will acknowledge receipt of this letter by signing in the designated block. You are advised you have 3 duty days in which to submit any information in rebuttal to these charges.

Wow. That letter just writes itself...STOP giving them ideas!!!

Here is another one off subject. One of the guys in my buddies unit actually got an LOC by his SQ/CC for mismanagement of their snack bar because it was not always stocked plum full and all of the labels on the candy bars or cans were not facing directly forward. An LOC seems kinda extreme for something like this! Ahh. Good ol big blue.

WHAT THE FUK!?!

We had an incident where the Snack Bar ran out of Diet Mountain Dew. The OG said "How can I trust you with nuclear weapons when you can't keep the snack bar stocked with Diet Mountain Dew?!" He was serious...I think. However, he DID make it clear that the snack bar was to be stocked at all times with Diet Mountain Dew before the incident. He also didn't hand out an LOC.

[brabus]

One of the guys in my buddies unit actually got an LOC by his SQ/CC for mismanagement of their snack bar because it was not always stocked plum full and all of the labels on the candy bars or cans were not facing directly forward.

WTFO! A LT doesn't need an LOC to fix the snackbar, a simple ball crushing from a bro will fix that problem. What a d-bag sq/cc.

[Shortbus]

Wow. That letter just writes itself...STOP giving them ideas!!!

WHAT THE FUK!?!

We had an incident where the Snack Bar ran out of Diet Mountain Dew. The OG said "How can I trust you with nuclear weapons when you can't keep the snack bar stocked with Diet Mountain Dew?!" He was serious...I think. However, he DID make it clear that the snack bar was to be stocked at all times with Diet Mountain Dew before the incident. He also didn't hand out an LOC.

Yeah, maybe the snacko prioritized nukes over soda. What a fail.

[Guest]

The highest morale I ever witnessed was when we had a rigged up shower in a bombed out building consisting of three sprayers from the kitchen sink which were only open every other day for two one hour periods, we pissed in piss tubes next to the tents and we shit in cut down 55gal barrels and burned it with JP-8.

There was no such thing as PT gear or a chow hall or wifi or telephones. Everyone lived in a GP medium with a dirt floor and heated it with a JP-8 burning stove. The only thing the shirt bitched about was light leaks (including on the flight line) because that could actually get you killed.

The guys on the flight line knew the guys we were supporting because the 160th choppers were right next to the jets and they talked to the operators (who thanked them for keeping the jets in the air) before they went in. The casualties were unloaded next to the jets and rushed to the FIST which was in our compound (in the tower). There were blood stains on the flight line. The fight was real to every USAF person on that base because they saw blood. Everything was about supporting the guys on the ground. No one gave a second thought to where you took a shit.

We've lost the bubble. Time to come home.

[ClearedHot]

The highest morale I ever witnessed was when we had a rigged up shower in a bombed out building consisting of three sprayers from the kitchen sink which were only open every other day for two one hour periods, we pissed in piss tubes next to the tents and we shit in cut down 55gal barrels and burned it with JP-8.

Now that brings back memories...Arriving at Rainman's location, he gives me the run down..."Sleep there, shit there, piss there, watch the lights. If you can't sleep you can sit here and watch the rocket fights up in the hills". I still laugh about that shower, the roof was no shit blown off the building and the kitchen sink sprayers were hooked on the wall with a nail. The next morning we go for a drive and there is no shit a grenade laying in the middle of the runway as jets are taking off. No queep, just kill bad guys.

[LockheedFix]

That place would blow your mind if you saw it now. My first trip there was in 2006 and it is unrecognizable even from then.

[HuggyU2]

The highest morale I ever witnessed...

We've lost the bubble. Time to come home.

Best post of the month.

[BQZip01]

Yeah, maybe the snacko prioritized nukes over soda. What a fail.

The OG realized it was a bit of overkill right after he said it...and we all had a good laugh over it, but his point was made (he REALLY likes his Diet Mt Dew) and we haven't been out of Diet Dew again...

We've lost the bubble.

Complete Shack

[Bergman]

The OG realized it was a bit of overkill right after he said it...and we all had a good laugh over it, but his point was made (he REALLY likes his Diet Mt Dew) and we haven't been out of Diet Dew again... Complete Shack

In the USAF, we used to drink beer and fuck women. Now we drink coke (or in this case diet dew) and fuck each other (sts).

Sad but true.

[Cornholio5]

In the USAF, we used to drink beer and ###### women. Now we drink coke (or in this case diet dew) and ###### each other (sts).

Sad but true.

So true. We eat our own. I like listening to old hands who were in during the eighties!

[Ram]

In the USAF, we used to drink beer and fuck women. Now we drink coke (or in this case diet dew) and fuck each other (sts).

Sad but true.

Jeebus - I'm glad I'm not in YOUR squadron. No beer AND dudes trying to fuck me? No thanks.

[brabus]

I'm with Ram...guess we're in the minority. Thank God.

[Ram]

I'm with Ram...guess we're in the minority. Thank God.

Klepto - don't forget that we've been wearing Friday T-shirts and our morale patches as if nothing happened. Our SQ/OG/WG leadership is pretty kick ass.

[Guest]

Klepto - don't forget that we've been wearing Friday T-shirts and our morale patches as if nothing happened. Our SQ/OG/WG leadership is pretty kick ass.

Amazing how something seemingly so minor can mean so much.

Makes it pretty easy for the boss to say...

"Of course I'm going to ignore those stupid rules about t-shirts and patches. All you fuckers have to do is set the bar when you're in the jet so we can demonstrate to the rest of the USAF what happens when you focus on the important shit. Performance, not patches, is what we're going to worry about in this squadron/ops group/wing."